Protect Your Relationships by Cutting Off Your Anchors

Series: Evaluating Reality Using Science

Written by Dr. Gleb Tsipursky, Intentional Insights Co-Founder and President.

Graphics by Cerina Gillilan

Clearing your mental cache is an effective way to remove your anchoring bias

Communication and Long-Distance Relationships

In my early twenties, I said goodbye to my family in New York City and moved to Boston for graduate school. While I'd been living in my parents' house, I talked to my mother, father, and teenage brother all the time, and felt really good about doing so. After I moved out, I wanted to stay close, so I called my family often. However, phone calls with my brother proved a major challenge. I called him regularly but he usually did not call back. My mother encouraged me to keep calling him, and reminded him often to call me – which he rarely did. I was upset and confused by this, as you can imagine, and when I visited NYC and pressed my brother to call me, he apologized, and said he would call back when I called. He did so for a bit, but then stopped again. My mother was distraught, and I was too. Negative feelings and thoughts kept running through my head: why didn’t he call me back? Didn’t he love me? Didn’t he care about me?

This issue festered for a couple of years, until I decided to deal with it directly. On my next extended visit to NYC, I sat down with him, and had a serious conversation. It turned out that my brother really dislikes talking on the phone. This form of communication just stresses him out. He has a much stronger preference for instant messaging as a mode of communication. Moreover, his Elephant brain developed an “ugh field,” a variety of negative emotions, around communicating with me. This was due to the combination of pressure he experienced from my mother and me, and the guilt and shame that came from him failing to call.

What I Should Have Done

I really wish I knew how he felt! What I should have done was notice that he was not calling me back, and have a conversation about the problem with him right away. I should not have insisted that he call me, but instead express curiosity about why he did not. That way, I would have found out about his anxiety and stress around phone conversations. He would not have felt guilty and pressured. I would not have felt sad and confused. Everyone would have been better off!

Broader Relevance for Communication and Relationships

This story illustrates the importance of adapting one’s communication style to one’s audience. Much has been written about the vital role of communication in the workplace and in civic engagement, especially analyzing and targeting the preferences of your audiences to meet you communication goals. Research shows that such communication is also vital in our personal lives, such as ensuring healthy romantic relationships. Studies of family communication have likewise shown the importance of communicating well and especially being flexible about one’s communication style and preferences.

Flexibility and Anchoring

Such flexibility was the missing ingredient in my communication to my brother. I had the goal of cultivating my relationship to my brother, but was trying to reach this goal in a way that was not intentional. So I decided to be more flexible and started exchanging Facebook messages with him, using Gmail chat, and other instant messaging services. We grew closer and had a much better relationship. We even worked to solve occasional problems that would come up between one of us and our parents!

Now, why did this problem occur in the first place? Well, from my background growing up, I developed a reference point, in other words a perception of what is normal and appropriate, of the phone being the “right way” to maintain and cultivate relationships with close people. I suffered from the anchoring bias, a common cognitive bias, the scientific name for thinking errors frequently made by our minds. The anchoring bias occurs when people rely too heavily on information they got early onward, and do not move away from this anchor sufficiently based on new information. I had to acknowledge that I failed at my brother’s mind and forgot that my mental map does not match his mental map.

Dealing with Anchoring

So how does one deal with the anchoring bias? A useful strategy is remembering the benefit of re-examining our cached patterns. This term refers to habits of thought and feeling in our mind that we absorbed uncritically from the social environment around us, as opposed to conclusions we arrived at by our own intentional reasoning. Re-evaluating our cached patterns of thought and feeling enables us to see reality more clearly, make more effective decisions, and achieve our goals, thus helping us gain greater agency in personal relationships and other life areas.

So whenever you notice yourself confused or upset by something that you did not expect, stop and think: what is the origin of your confusion? Is it coming from some sort of cached pattern, where you think something is the only “right way” of doing things? Think about whether there are any alternative ways of achieving your desired outcome. (This is part of a broader strategy of dealing with common thinking errors by considering alternatives, which research shows is a very effective way for avoiding thinking errors.) Try listing at least 3 alternatives, and describe why each of them can be valid and right, at least for other people if not for you. Remember, relationships are a two-way street, and you need to respect the other person and their preferences in order to communicate well.

Questions for Consideration

To help you internalize this information, gain long-lasting benefit from reading this article, and use it effectively in your everyday life for improving your thinking, feeling, and behavior patterns, reflect on and answer the questions below.

  • Can you identify any ugh fields you developed? How do you deal with ugh fields?
  • In what ways, if any, can you be a better communicator in your professional, personal, and civic life areas?
  • Are there any instances where the anchoring effect caused you to make suboptimal decisions?
  • Do you think you have any cached patterns that might be harmful to your mental wellbeing?
  • If so, what steps can you take to deal with these cached patterns?

To avoid missing out on content that helps you reach your goals, subscribe to the Intentional Insights monthly newsletter.

The generosity of readers like you made this article possible. If you benefited from reading it, please consider volunteering or/and making a tax-deductible contribution to Intentional Insights, as well as buying our merchandise. Thank you for being awesome!

Recent Posts 10

Why You Don’t Think You’re Beautiful

Why You Don’t Think You’re Beautiful

May 23, 2016

How our minds fail in thinking about beauty standards.

Trump Feels Your Anger and Anxiety:  How Neuroscience Helps Expla

Trump Feels Your Anger and Anxiety: How Neuroscience Helps Explain Trump's Triumphs

May 16, 2016

Puzzled by the election results? Neuroscience helps provide some insights.

Why You Should Be Public About Your Good Deeds

Why You Should Be Public About Your Good Deeds

May 4, 2016

Learn about how being public about your good deeds can help improve the world!

How Feedback is Good For You (even when you feel bad about it)

How Feedback is Good For You (even when you feel bad about it)

April 26, 2016

You can improve from ANY feedback.

The Smart Way to Work With Purpose

The Smart Way to Work With Purpose

April 18, 2016

Use research about community bonds and serving others to build a meaningful workplace.

9 Strategies for Effective Donors

9 Strategies for Effective Donors

April 10, 2016

What are the steps you can take to donate effectively?

Video: How To Reach Your Personal and Societal Goals

Video: How To Reach Your Personal and Societal Goals

April 6, 2016

Learn how to apply the latest science on goal achievement to your life and our society!

How Can You Be Safer From Terrorism?

How Can You Be Safer From Terrorism?

April 2, 2016

You have the power to encourage political leaders to make us safer from terrorism!

The Truth About My Mental Illness

Video: The Truth About My Mental Illness

March 30, 2016

In this video, our President Gleb Tsipursky shares about his mental illness experience

12 Tips For Happy, Long-Lasting Relationships

12 Tips For Happy, Long-Lasting Relationships

March 21, 2016

Science-based strategies for achieving long-lasting happiness in your relationships!